Contemplating Self Worth

Contemplating self worth is probably the worse thing.

Many would like to say "Yeah hey, you should live for me. For your mom. For your sister who's in the hospital. For your uncle who has cancer. For that person starving on the street. For the stray cat sitting over there." But, to be honest, we're selfish creatures. What we really should be living for is ourselves. I mean, THEN we could help people, but at this point in the journey, I can't.

I explained the future just now to someone as a long winded city covered in fog, kinda like Silent Hill. Each day is another step. And you don't know if you're going to encounter a zombie and if you do you can't take a step back. Everyone in life seems to be given a flashlight and some sort of convenient weapon (or they find it). Me? I don't have a flashlight and I broke my knee and I'm sort of stumbling along hoping that one day I'll see the hospital through the fog.

It's probably like that for others diagnosed, too, but I wouldn't know.

So what am I walking on for? Stopping would mean death, which I've tried on multiple occasions but failed. So if the only option is to continue stumbling and wishing to death for a zombie to come along and behead me, what am I walking for?

I find myself kind of nipping at the little things. Like I want to draw this today. Or I want to sew this today. Or I want to see this person today. My future is literally day by day, minute by minute. I don't know why but if it's worth doing I guess it's worth waiting another fifteen minutes for.

I find myself doing that to stumble along.

So back to self worth. Why am I alive?

Well, to write this journal. Then to think about what art piece to do next. And then probably to go eat dinner.

It will have to do for now.