Therapy and Shizz

Well it turns out I'm not ready to be out of the hospital so I'm doing partial again soon (hopefully, if my insurance takes it). I'm just sort of bleh. Part of me wants to go inpatient so my insurance doesn't whine and I can quit functioning for a week but I have work to do. Like, important work that I cannot yet disclose.

If I could take my laptop and tablet in there then yeah, I would. Because every night around ten o' clock I get stir crazy and have to do all I can not to self harm. That addiction is getting so bad I have panic attacks. I almost cut my hair off last night and at this point don't even know what to do with myself.

I really hate this mental disease.

Oh well. Gotta do what I can.

Contemplating Self Worth

Contemplating self worth is probably the worse thing.

Many would like to say "Yeah hey, you should live for me. For your mom. For your sister who's in the hospital. For your uncle who has cancer. For that person starving on the street. For the stray cat sitting over there." But, to be honest, we're selfish creatures. What we really should be living for is ourselves. I mean, THEN we could help people, but at this point in the journey, I can't.

I explained the future just now to someone as a long winded city covered in fog, kinda like Silent Hill. Each day is another step. And you don't know if you're going to encounter a zombie and if you do you can't take a step back. Everyone in life seems to be given a flashlight and some sort of convenient weapon (or they find it). Me? I don't have a flashlight and I broke my knee and I'm sort of stumbling along hoping that one day I'll see the hospital through the fog.

It's probably like that for others diagnosed, too, but I wouldn't know.

So what am I walking on for? Stopping would mean death, which I've tried on multiple occasions but failed. So if the only option is to continue stumbling and wishing to death for a zombie to come along and behead me, what am I walking for?

I find myself kind of nipping at the little things. Like I want to draw this today. Or I want to sew this today. Or I want to see this person today. My future is literally day by day, minute by minute. I don't know why but if it's worth doing I guess it's worth waiting another fifteen minutes for.

I find myself doing that to stumble along.

So back to self worth. Why am I alive?

Well, to write this journal. Then to think about what art piece to do next. And then probably to go eat dinner.

It will have to do for now.

COMMISSION SLOTS

♥sqoliver - digital large print [X/Zero] - 100%
♥amber - full body illustration [Beryl] - 100% full body illustration [Group of Characters] - 0%
♥coos - full body illustration [Two OC's] - 100%
♥roselalonde3367 - full body illustration + background [Lux] - 100%
♥vethica - 1 character ref [OC] 100% + 1 character ref [OC] 100%
♥artistmeli - full body illustration [OC] - 20%
♥rukeprease - illustration [Ruke + Ahri] 0%
♥squoliver - Therapy Art - 0%
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COMMISSION INFORMATION

Well I thought I'd make this a lot more readable.

CONCEPT ART

♥character design lineart (front, back, detail sketches) - 4USD
[x]
♥with color - 5USD
[x]

ILLUSTRATIONS

♥lineart of 1-3 characters (custom poses) - 6USD
[x]
♥colored illustration of 1-3 characters (custom poses) - 8 USD
[x]
♥colored plus design - 10 USD
[x]
♥colored plus background - 12 USD
[x] [y] [z]
♥lineart of group (4+ characters) (custom poses) - 8USD
♥colored illustration of group (custom poses) - 10USD
♥colored plus design - 12USD
♥colored plus background - 14USD

GRAPHIC DESIGN

♥mascot art - 10USD
[x]
♥typography - 8 USD
[x] [y] [z]

PAYMENT METHODS

♥I have a paypal set up. I’ll give you the e-mail after we talk arrangements. If you would like to talk to me with more detail, my skype is idealcontradiction.
♥You can also send the money through mail. I cannot responsible for lost money, however. But if this is how you want to pay, I definiely have an address you can mail it to! But we’ll talk about that also.

Getting Ready!

Phew got I don't know how I feel about backgrounds quite yet but I'm getting there. This might take quite a while...

Mari/Asuka Book Planning Under Way!

I'm going to start working on a comic today. I guess I'm just really in the mood for story and motion for once. I  haven't done comics in a while so I hope I've improved. I really don't like how it was before. I don't like the bold coloring. I think it could do a lot better looking more... I guess anime? I don't know, but I'll find out how it goes once I start. I'm still half way through the storyboard.

As for life, I still don't have a job but my mom wants me to work on her tax stuff (like she does every year) so I will be even less as active unfortunately. But hey, I'll try to pop out something once in a while. Even if its really cute and simple.

This morning I sort of wanted to curl up in bed and never get up. It's really still kind of hard to convince myself to keep getting up. I forgot to make an appointment with my social worker so that was a huge down. Sometimes I wonder if I should just go back in the hospital. That way it's easy and I don't have to think about life. But then I'd miss my friends. And I'd miss being able to draw.

But in any case, I guess I'll talk about the comic a little more.

Mari and Asuka are roommates in the military. Asuka's the top of the line cadet and Mari (very bad idea of her) is the class clown type of person. But she's very useful so she's somehow still pretty close behind Asuka's tail for number one.

And that's really the explanation of the AU. More to come!

-Briggs

So You Wanna Die?

 

Honestly at first I hated the song. It basically said what people always told depressed people to do, stop being an attention whore and go and DO something. But when you’re depressed, you can’t just DO something. But at the end there’s a smaller message at the end when she finishes off. And that message is that someone cares about you.  In my opinion, the whole song is more of an inner thought than a friend talking. “If you wanna die, go ahead and die.” Those are words I can hear in my head sometimes. Along with “Stop craving attention,” and “Don’t keep saying one thing and doing another.” And because I tell myself these things, I think others are thinking them as well. Which is why I hid my arms at school. I didn’t cut for attention—and I heard that a lot in the hospital. It was a relief like any other. It just wasn’t alcohol or drugs.  At the end of the song, the singer reaches out to the one in need of help and tells her that she shouldn’t give up on her life, no matter what is said or done. To me, that’s very meaningful.

And if people ever wondered why I listened to Vocaloid songs, here it is. The big and mighty. The suicide rate in Japan is very, very high, so songs about depression or bullying aren’t rare at all in Vocaloid. Whereas music on the radio station is always about love or break up. What about the other problems in life? Love isn’t everything, you know.

Vocaloid is an example of a healthy escape for me. It reminds me I’m not alone in what I suffer. And when I listen to the words, I can hear a desperate call of support. I feel like my hand is being held when I listen to “Rolling Girl” because in the end of the video, the boy stops the girl from finishing herself off and holds her. I feel a sense of connection when I listen to “Bacterial Contamination” because if you have ever been bullied before, all those words would make sense to you.

I don’t delve in the fandom too much because I always end up seeing those people who are like “Homg, KaitoxMiku” and it’s sort of annoying to me because I find the beauty in the composers. Wowaka is my favorite, and I know that’s cliché, but a lot of his themes are based around depression and it’s helped me through the worst of my downs.  I guess that came out sounding a little pretentious, but I honestly do think the vocaloids are just instruments for the composers to use in order to portray their own thoughts, feelings, and stories. No, Miku does not have a set personality. Miku is what the composer makes Miku to be.

But I guess that’s my little ramble on Vocaloid.

This is available as a print now ! If you’re interested~

I love you all!

-BRIGGS